Now that Jack is 3 months old, I thought I should officially welcome him into our family and introduce him to the rest of our friends and loved ones via the blog!
There are many reasons for not blogging or sharing my feelings about this entire experience, but I now feel that I am in a place where I am ready to openly share my thoughts about our sweet little boy.
First, I would like to preface this post by saying that much of what I am going to share is personal to our family, emotional, spiritual, and and will continue to be an on-going journey. Much of what has happened over the last 3 months was unexpected and something that I would like to write down for posterity sake as well as for others who may or are experiencing something similar.
This definitely has been a joyous time in our lives, but there have also been moments of great sadness, fear, and uncertainty.
With much love and joy in our hearts we are so proud and happy to announce the newest addition to our family and we are so glad that he is here!!
Jack Robert was born October 3, 2010 at 9:30pm. He was 5lbs, 13oz and 18inches long.
Earlier that day, I woke up and was experiencing a few contractions with light spotting. I called the Doctor and he assured me there was nothing to worry about unless my contractions increased. I wasn't due for another 2 weeks and Devon was in Chicago training for a new job. I did not want to be in Labor and wanted the baby to wait until the scheduled induction day on October 8th. However, the contractions continued all. day. long.
My sister and her family had spent the weekend with me and were planning to go home later that day. I kept reassuring her that I was not in Labor and that they should go home. Finally, they packed up their car and left to go home. Soon after, my contractions got worse!! I texted her and told her I was going to the hospital and she told me they would turn around so that she could go to the hospital with me.
She and I hopped in the car at 7:30pm and arrived at the hospital shortly after. I sobbed all the way the way there....I did not want to be in Labor and did not want to deliver this baby without my hubby. I was really hoping the nurse would tell me it was just false labor and send me home. However, once there, the nurse checked me and announced that I was dilated 5cm. The tears wouldn't stop flowing from my eyes! I thought, "how can this be? How can I be in Labor and have my husband 2,000 miles away!!" I was scared, mad, and excited all at the same time. I called Devon and told him we were having a baby tonight and kept him on speaker phone.
A quick epidural, a couple painful pushes, and our cute little purple bundle had arrived. I took one look at him and thought something was "off". He was so purple...dark purple! And, there were no cries! The nurses quickly rushed him over to the warming table to do vitals and were speaking in hushed tones without relaying any information back to me. I thought, "phew, the worst is over...he's here...I did it...yay!" But, there was a dark cloud of unexplained gloominess in the air. I brushed those feelings and thoughts aside and thought it must be because Devon isn't here.
The nurses were still speaking in hushed tones and I heard my OB ask, "Is there a heart murmur?" Immediately, they responded "no" and he nodded his head "ok." I thought, "heart murmur? oh, good, no heart murmur."
The nurses pumped a large amount of amniotic fluid from his stomach and were having a hard time getting his temperature up so they gave him to me and laid him on me skin to skin hoping that would raise his temperature.
I finally got to hold our sweet little boy! He had tons of blond hair and cute chubby cheeks. He was tiny! Tinier than all my other babies. As I held him, he nestled right into my chest and my heart melted! All of these months waiting for him and wondering what he would look like and he was finally here and he was perfect and beautiful!!
After cuddling with him for a couple of hours, the pediatrician arrived to do his evaluation. He walked in the room announcing..."So, we hear he looks like Blake..." I had never met this Doctor before. I had chosen him based on local referrals and other than that had no idea what to expect of him. It was about Midnight and he looked at me confused and unsure of what to say and blurted out..."I don't know if you overheard the nurses talking or me talking to the nurses, but we think there is a slight chance the baby has Down Syndrome...oh, I shouldn't have said anything...I wish I could take that back...he probably doesn't...oh, I shouldn't have said anything...just put that out of your mind tonight and try to get some sleep because he probably doesn't...Besides, if you think he looks like your other kids...he's probably fine...they don't usually look like family members, but he probably doesn't and I wish I hadn't said anything..."
I was still in this euphoric-I've-just-had-a-baby-state-of-mind and couldn't get any words to come out of my mouth?!?! I was frozen and didn't know what to say! I just wanted that dumb Doctor who had just broken my husband-less world to leave! I just looked at my sister with tears in my eyes and she said, "it's ok, it doesn't matter, it's ok, you're going to be ok!!" I believed her and nodded my head and just looked at my precious bundle feeling confused and unsure of what this all meant.
I immediately called Devon. It was 1am in Chicago and as far as he was concerned everything was fine. The baby was here, he was healthy, I was fine, and he could relax knowing we were all fine! I told him they thought the baby might have Down Syndrome and that was it...I couldn't speak much more than that...it was hard enough saying those two words. He had a million questions, but I didn't have any answers and we hung up the phone.
Soon after, our brother-in-law, Curtis, and Devon's dad arrived to give both me and Jack a blessing. I don't remember much of what was said, but the feeling of that room was crowded. I do believe in guardian angels and I know they were watching over us that night. I still felt uneasy, but, at the same time, felt peace.
I was finally escorted to my recovery room. Robyn and I "tried" to sleep, but how could we sleep? I think we both closed our eyes, but our brains were on overdrive! We awoke before 6am and were sobbing. She was crying and I was crying and we couldn't stop...we needed answers, we needed sleep, I needed my husband, and we all needed to know Baby Jack was going to be ok.
The hours and days that followed all seem like a big blur! We still hadn't received an official diagnosis, but as far as we were concerned it didn't matter and we felt he was sent he was sent to the right family. Taylor, Luke, and Blake adored their new baby brother and couldn't seem to stop smothering him with kisses and loves.
Devon finally arrived from Chicago and my sister went home. As far as she was concerned, the worst was over...
Jack and I stayed over at the hospital one additional night because his glucose levels were low and his temperature continued to stay low. His poor little hands and feet were still dark purple and the nurses attributed that to his size and poor temperature. The FISH test for the Down Syndrome still hadn't come back and I had received many texts, emails, phone calls and visits from friends, family, and nurses assuring me that "everything was going to be ok". I even had one nurse go out of her way to explain to me about "A Trip to Holland." It's about planning a trip to Holland, but instead of landing in Holland you've landed in Italy...bla bla bla...
I just wasn't ready to hear any of that or go there...besides, nothing was "official." We were sent home. Everything was fine, other than a huge blood clot on the back of my knee that killed and that Jack still wasn't eating very well. He was very lethargic, hard to get to eat, but, again, I attributed that to him just being a "tired newborn" and thought all would be better once we got home.
The next day, the Pediatrician called with the FISH test results. He said, the test came back positive for Trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome). I couldn't breathe, I couldn't talk, all I could do was hold my sweet, precious baby and cry. He was so beautiful and perfect and yet now I had been told something with my beautiful, perfect little boy was different and life-changing. I wasn't sure how I felt about this news. I was confused, angry, and sad, yet happy and joyful to have this new baby in our home and as a part of our family.
It's hard to explain the feelings I experienced during this time. The best way to explain it is that when I was pregnant, I had a "dream", or so to say, about Jack and what he would be like and learning about the Trisomy 21 wasn't a part of that "dream." All of us went through a period of grief...grief for that baby we thought we thought we were having and grief for Jack and the challenges his life would bring for him in the future. But, every time we hold Jack and look at him we are overwhelmed with a great sense of peace and love for this little guy! Although, he won't be "perfect" in the eyes of the world, he is perfect to us and our hearts grow bigger every time we hold him and love on him and that is all that matters!!
The days and weeks that followed is when all the trauma began...
(to be continued...)
